In an effort to inject more fun & political correctness into your Columbus Day festivities, we of the Christopher Columbus Reality Check Society (CCRCS) offer a list of suggested activities to participate in during your annual celebration of the discovery of the West Indies & southern Florida:
- Seduce a local, state or national elected (or crowned) official's wife (a knight or reasonably powerful appointed flunky will do in a pinch). Convince her you're on a mission from God (or other applicable diety) and that she and her husband will be renowned throughout history for their good sense in financing your adventures. Be sure to mention that there's some righteous bucks to be made in this endeavor. Offer to bring along a couple of missionaries and accountants.
- Go to the wrong place and rename it. With enough time and political clout, any old name you think up will stick eventually.
- Slaughter the men, rape the women and enslave the children in your new-found kingdom. They won't enjoy it at first, but they'll learn to tolerate it after a few generations.
- Convert your new subjects to your superior religious doctrines. Boiling oil, disembowlment and beheading may on occassion be necessary tools in convincing the Pagans to give up their demonic ways, but don't despair. Those that survive will be joyful servants to the diety you have chosen for them.
- Finally (if you can find the time), feel free to strip all natural resouces from this backwards, uneducated region. After all, if the stuff is still just lying around, the locals obviously didn't need it anyway, so you'll be doing them a favor by taking it off their hands.
Thank you, and have a wonderful Columbus Day holiday...
